U.S. Health Department Gives Up Listing Unsafe Foods, Announces It Will Now List the Ones That Won’t Kill You
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Health Department announced today that, due to the “increasingly unreasonable number” of contaminated foods, it will no longer waste taxpayer money listing everything Americans shouldn’t eat.
Instead, officials will publish a much shorter list of foods that are safe to eat.
As of today, that list contains exactly three items:
Candy
Candy Corn
Candy Canes
“We wanted to give Americans some options,” said one exhausted health official. “Obviously, we had to draw the line somewhere.”
Officials emphasized that the three approved foods are safe for now, and encouraged Americans to enjoy them before the next press conference.
“Eat up,” the official said. “We have no idea how long this is going to last.”
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