ICE ON ICE CRIME UP 69% AS AGENTS NAVIGATE MOIST AND SLIPPERY CONDITIONS

Ice on ICE crime is up a staggering 69% as ICE agents stuggle to maintain their balance in icy northern conditions. Seen slipping and sliding and ultimately landing at on the dumb asses, one witness recounts the sight as reminding him of the bloopers from Blades of Glory. A small crowd gathered to watch one agent struggle to stand up on ICE for an entire minute when finally a good samaritan stepped up and brought the crowd some popcorn and handearmers, so a murmur of thanks and sighs of relief. DHS and the Trump administration is now considering designating solid water as a terrorist organization, while middle aged white men in cheap gas station sunglasses are ceaselessly commenting things like “if that solid water didn’t want to get shot maybe it shouldn’t have interfered with the operation.”